Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
