Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
