I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So many bounce houses so little time
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i out mim tonsoeep
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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