I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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