the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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