are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
