margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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