New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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