he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There's always time for handjobs
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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