Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
