My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize