he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
