Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
