When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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