Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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