I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
