I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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