he wants to bone in the snuggie
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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