No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
