Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
