I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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