I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He passed out mid-signature
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Randomize
