i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
