Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Randomize
