Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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