My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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