Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
