Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
