she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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