I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
