i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
