Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
