You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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