When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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