So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
