How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
