Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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