so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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