and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
