I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
