Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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