she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
