Got a toothbrush?
This girl is more easily done than said...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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