I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
