So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
