i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
