YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize