So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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