if only i could text you this smell
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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