Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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