Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
