Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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