just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
