Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
