i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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