he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
