2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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