It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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