A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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