I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
