That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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