how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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