I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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