I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
