I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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