You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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