i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
