I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
