it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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