I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Yo dont text me then not text me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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