i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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