before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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